This whole year has just been awful. I have had hope that things would get better and have been able to stay pretty positive and function normally. This week I have finally come to accept that things in my life are not going to get better, and I have to start over. While I have had a much appreciated outpouring of love and support from friends and family, it has still been a horrible week.
I have completely given up on getting dressed, putting make up on, combing my hair, etc. My diet has consisted of barbecue pop chips, chocolate peanut butter no-bake cookies, salami, and cheese. The thought of exercising is a thing of the past. Too scary looking to leave the house, Olive and I have been reading books, watching shows and taking long baths.
She has been the best support through all of this. This week her fit-throwing has been at an all time low, she goes to bed when asked, she's actually been eating, and she's been doing great on potty training.
She is always concerned when I'm crying and makes sure to hold me and wipe my tears. When she holds me it always cheek to cheek. She tells me at least a couple times a day that I am "pitty" or "bootiful."
Most importantly the girl makes me dance with her all the time. It doesn't matter what song is playing, or what I'm in the middle of doing, she grabs my arm before I have time to argue, escorts me into the living room, and we dance like there's no tomorrow. Who can be sad when you are dancing with this little girl?
I just don't know what I would do without her.
Just for the record, my goal for tomorrow is to polish off the rest of the cookies, put make up on, do my hair, and take Olive to the park.
Thanks for all the love and support, it's definitely nice to know Olive and I are not alone.
I woke up this morning thinking about everything and I found myself getting so upset and just frankly pissed off about it and then it came to me...just how blessed you will be when all of this has passed! I know its cheesy but that scripture in D&C came to mind (yes I did have to look this up to be sure..."My son (daughter), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands." You are so loved and you have to know that we are all on your side! I think your awesome! I hope you have fun getting dolled up and hanging out with Olive at the park!
ReplyDeleteIm not even sure what to type, because no matter what I say nothing can change how you are feeling. It takes time to heal. Just be with Olive and love her and let her love on you. Its the best medicine. I might not know what you should do but if you need a shoulder to cry on or just someone to vent to call me ANYTIME. We love you very much Kaylee. Eric even shed a tear for you when he read your blog. Just dont tell him I told you so... Hahah. :)
ReplyDeleteOh kaylee, if only you knew how much we do love you. I wish I could be there to clean your house, cook you food, cry with you, try to laugh with you if you can and just lay in bed and talk about everything. Please give me a call if you feel up to it.
ReplyDeleteI too have been drowning my sorrows in those same cookies! Must be something about the texture.....oh they're fabulous.
ReplyDeleteI love the fact that you are dancing! Good for Olive! She is Heavenly Father's love sent to you to help you through this. Kaylee, we love you so much and my heart is breaking that you are there when you should be more close to your family and friends! Please come out to Utah and hang with us for awhile!!!!! It would be great to Olive show us all how to dance! It's like I told you on the phone the other day (sorry I have not had a chance to call you back yet!), Zack is a complete idiot (sorry because I know that there are still feelings for him and it is hard to hear that but he really is)and you deserve to have someone in your life that cherishes you and Olive. I don't know what those cookies taste like but I tell ya, the BBQ chips and salami and cheese sound AWESOME!!!! Best comfort food I can think of (well except for J-Dawgs and you have to come to Utah to have one of those and then you will agree with me!)! We love you Kaylee and again, I am so sorry that you have to go through this trial right now. I have put your name on the rolls at the temple and I know with a certainty that God will bless you and give you strenght. Please look for that the next time Olive gives you a big cheek to cheek hug and tells you that you are "bootiful". Remember that she is closer to God than the rest of us and can pass on his communication with us in a way that maybe we are not open to hearing.
ReplyDeleteAs a matter of fact if she was better at talking, I am sure that she would be hearing God saying "Go to Utah! Remember Kathy is really fun to hang out with!" Or something to that effect!
Love Ya!!!!!
Kathy
Kaylee, I have been thinking about you and Olive! You are in our thoughts and prayers. Please come and visit us at the house when you move here, and we can let the kids play and we can veg!
ReplyDeleteUtah? No...Ohio Kaylee...Columbus Ohio...Doesnt it sound fun to come to Columbus Ohio...No? Well just know that you can add it to the list of places that you are welcome :)
ReplyDeletePS Tatum misses you and Olive...she cant say it yet, but if she could she would.
you two can always come down to los angeles....mickey mouse would sure love to dance with olive too!! you're in our prayers, xoxo
ReplyDeletesorry i forgot to mention (cuz i don't think you have my aol screen name **fuzzykeys27**) but it's your old school buddy and neighbor lyndsey :)
ReplyDeleteIt looks as if everyone is crying, praying and hoping for you. All this love should help you in your hour of need. You probably don't need any advice or help from one more person, but here goes.
ReplyDeleteTHE FACTS ACCORDING TO MAREE...
1. You are a daughter of your H. Father who loves you and you love him.
2. You are blessed to have Olive and Olive is blessed to have you.
3. There are no guarantees in this world... only in the next.
4. This is not the end of the world... just the beginning of the next chapter in the lives of Olive and Kaylee.
5. Stay positive... it will get better. Think about how much you have to be grateful for. Count your blessings, literally.
6. Face forward and don't look back.
Kaylee,
ReplyDeleteYou know I love you and we are here if you need anything!
Bring Olive out to Utah so she can hang out with nanau and uncle Sam, as well as erica and the kids. At least for a week.
By the way, when did your diet not consist of soda, cookie, chips and salami? :) (And you have always been beautiful despite the terrible diet!) Now at least can you enjoy them without having to feel guilty!
Come to Utah so we can at least eat cookies together. We would need dad to come out though too because honestly who likes salami except for Dad and grandpa (and you apparently).
We love you guys!
I am so glad you and Olive have each other. I was thinking about living with you and about how you made me laugh all the time and it just makes me so sad to think of you being so sad. I am so sorry and I just love you and am thinking of you and praying for you CONSTANTLY!! It looks like with your sweet little Olive around that you are getting in at least a few smiles a day -- which you need! You are so amazing.
ReplyDeleteKaylee, You and Olive girl have been on my thoughts and in my prayers! Jared and I are here for you!! Please call him (or I (559) 916-2995) ANYTIME you need a listening ear!! You know how good he is to talk to. We will be home from Belize on Tuesday night. If you ever need a place to escapeto, both you and Olive always have a place to go in San Diego! Take care!!!
ReplyDeleteHey Kaylee, (Amanda Louderback btw). I havn't talked to you in a while but I check your blog every now and then to see how big Olive has gotten, and MY, has she grown up! I was sorry to see this new blog. I am not sure what to say except that Olive is lucky to have such a strong and courageous mother. I know that no matter what there is a plan for all of us, and if you ever make it back up to Oroville, I would love to see you. Hope all is well, stay strong, and have faith, whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
ReplyDelete